7 Ways to Build Self Confidence

  

         

1. Confidence from competence - Practice and repetition

This is possibly the most obvious one. Usually the more practised and experienced we get at a task, skill or ability, the more our confidence in our ability develops. This can also become a virtuous cycle where our practise increases our competence, our competence increases confidence which in turn makes us feel good about practising and doing that skill or performing that task again.

2. Develop an inner guide instead of an inner critic – manage negative self-talk promote positive self-talk.

The voice we here most from morning to night every day is our own.

Most if not all of us are familiar with the inner critic. We don’t have to work at developing it, it usually just comes along whenever we least need it. Building an inner guide takes a little more work, but you can write your own story. Invest the time in writing it and you reap the rewards.

 

3. Use your memory as a driving force instead of a ball and chain.

Many people dwell on, sometimes even obsess about, the past. We replay old negative memories which usually stimulate the negative emotions associated with those memories. We often do this, in particular, about things we are anxious about. We remember the worst interview before the next one, the worst presentation before our upcoming presentation or the worst offences people have committed against us. We don’t have to do this we can induce ourselves too remember positive, relaxing and even confident experiences at these times. This takes practice but after a while it can start to become a habit and our old positive memories can become stimulants in the present moment that serve our mind and body more beneficially.

4. Focus your, purpose, vision and values.

Ask people about their purpose, vision or values and they often have to think quite hard before giving you a response. It’s not that they don’t have them it’s just that they are not as conscious as they could be. If we clarify them and keep them right at the front of our minds we are more likely to move towards them. They are more likely to become the lighthouse that guide our actions and help us in making tough decisions. A side effect of this is that our intentions become clearer to other people and we become easier to trust.

5. Consciously interpret and reinterpret adversity.

Ask a number of people about their biggest learning in life and nine times out of ten they will describe a time of adversity. Ask them did they know they were experiencing their biggest learning at the time and they will often say no. In times of adversity if we can start from a position of inquiry, asking questions that help us to observe, understand, appreciate and acknowledge rather than prejudge, find blame or condemn what is actually happening we may be able to more deliberately form our interpretation of events.

Here are some examples,

What can I see and hear that is actually happening right now?

Through what lens am I viewing this?

What filter might I be adding to the situation?

Can I see this from a different perspective? How can I do that?

What can I learn from this?

What can I change about me that can help me to see this differently, address this effectively?

If I used someone else’s viewpoint how would they interpret this?

6. Interrupt your default patterns of belief, thinking, behaving.

The default patterns of belief are those rules laid down over a lifetime that we rarely question and that most of the time help us to behave efficiently yet not always most effectively. If we can get to know our default belief we might be able to shift the pattern. It often starts with something like, “you should…..”, “they should…..”, “this shouldn’t…….”, “I have to…….”, “I must……”, although sometimes it may not have a specific language element. It is important to realise that some of these phrases can help us to act beneficially and morally, they were made intrapsychic (internalised) at sometime in our lives, in order to keep us social, safe or surviving. However, we might have been 10 years old then and we are now 30,40, 50…., that was then this is now. We can use the notion of the “beginners mind” to ask our selves if we can reform re-imagine or reconstruct our beliefs about what is.

To do this you will need some kind of pattern interruption.  

You are cruising along on the motorway, not much traffic, nice day, suddenly a horse runs out in front of you. The horse has interrupted your automatic/default driver and stimulated your conscious driver to take over. Similarly, you need a mental horse to run across your mind and get your conscious mind to contain your belief about the way things “should be” and think about what “could be”. There are an infinite number of possibilities for new thinking here, you just have to shake off the old and let the new ones in. From that standpoint, reaffirm your purpose, clarify what you need and think of three options that will guide you in confidently moving forward with a clearer and more conscious intention.

7. Ground yourself and breathe deeper in this present moment.

I probably go on about this one a bit too much but I if we can connect with the soles of our feet, draw the breath deeper into the stomach, relax the shoulders and expand our sense of presence in this moment, the problem of whether or not we have confidence can sometimes dissolve. By becoming more present and more grounded we begin to reduce our ego’s obsession with approval, winning, being liked, being right, being satisfied, being in control, being an oracle and observe what is really happening right here and right now. From this standpoint we can allow things to emerge with a little more grace and possibly make a more conscious choice or decision.

On a personal note often I find I am at my most present when in coaching, I am completely focused on being present with the other person, my purpose and intention are clear, the values underlying my behaviour are clear and my hope in those moments is to understand the other as fully and completely as my current capabilities will allow. This is when I believe I am at my most confident.

The above is by no means an exhaustive list but a few starting points.

Peter Connolly July 2020