The roles we play

The roles we play in the drama triangle way.

 

There is a lot of media airspace given to the concept of mindfulness or presence nowadays. The idea that we become as fully aware as possible so that our moment to moment thoughts and actions become as conscious as possible. I believe this is a noble and, most likely, beneficial practice and goal. That said, a constant state of mindful presence is probably not very realistically achievable for most human beings, given that unconscious processing is an extremely efficient way of dealing with our day to day worlds; our unconscious habits are often what our brain develops so as to free up time for our conscious attention but that conscious attention can be elusive. 

On the road to increased mindfulness we will probably need to learn to drop some baggage and step out of the drama that our fragile egos get caught up in.  The roles we play in the drama get formed early on and are quite likely kept going through our constant latching on to others’ perceptions of us and interactions with us. There are lots of different ways of describing this baggage or drama; one of my favourites is the Karpman drama triangle which identifies three roles that we can often get sucked into.  These roles are, the persecutor or villain, the rescuer or hero and the victim.

 

 

 

 

The video below gives a fairly succinct description of the drama triangle.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ovrVv_RlCMw

 

I personally believe that once our mind allows us to get sucked into a role it is very difficult to step out, let alone be mindful. In fact, mindfulness often only comes after the fact – “why the hell did I react like that again?”, “why do I keep getting sucked in like that?” Control over the button for entry of the role is often given to others. In other words, other people say things, we step into a role and we see the other as the instigator of the problem. So, if I become the victim, then anyone who isn’t “persecuting me” (the villain of the moment) should then be “rescuing me” (if you’re not with me you’re against me). In the drama, I am giving away my power and allowing myself to be a puppet on a string by playing a habitual role; at the whim of other peoples’ attitude or actions towards me. Ultimately it is me that is giving permission for my buttons to be pushed. We often see this when we notice how differently two people react to the same stimulus.

So, what is the answer? Well one thing is for sure, it is not going to change by reading one article, attending a one-day training or taking a magic pill. The truth is it takes work. It takes a lot of work. Learning to contain your mental “first responders” and choosing to retrain them with less ego and more compassion for self and others is like learning a martial art; and like a martial art you have to unlearn your habit of flinching or attacking and relearn something different, a better “move” to use your mind and body’s energy more wisely. Truth be-told, sometimes you learn that running away and living to fight another day is a perfectly acceptable option. On other occasions we might have to learn to observe the role, put the role aside carefully, contain our reaction,  and begin to try a new skill. This new skill, I believe, is most likely going to involve listening more and deeper to ourselves and others and then re-entering the foray with a more even tempered, reasonable, considerate and empathetic approach and with a deeper sense of all the perspectives involved.

Some have offered positive alternatives to the drama triangle, one example is shown below,

I am a novice at this myself but I can share a few things that I have either observed or learned  from my own "dramatis personae".

1. We are aware of much less and much less often than we realise.
2. Our impact is, most likely, not quite what we perceive it to be.
3. Most of us have an initial go-to role particularly in crisis situations, and it may not be what we think it is. Persecutors often think they are rescuers, victims can often be persecuting without realising it and rescuers can often be hiding a victim mentality.
4. Others’ motives and drama are every bit as complicated and messy as our own.
5. Family of origin interactions and relationships that mirror family of origin drama are the ones most likely to suck you in without you even knowing it.
6. Family of origin interactions may be the toughest ones to shift – for yourself mostly but also because others will expect you to behave the way you always have (in their eyes, that is).
7. Many business and other interactions mirror family of origin interactions, hence, similar buttons get pushed. There are lots of persecutors, rescuers and victims in the business world.
8. If you find you keep blaming someone else for your reactions and feelings or you keep focusing on the same person(s) and their injustices then you're in the role and you haven’t really started the work there yet. Try acknowledging to yourself that the feelings you have, belong to you and are your responsibility, until you can do this, your emotional well being is in someone else’s hands, even if that someone is in your head.
9. If you are an adult, your genes, personality, parents, society etc. have all contributed to shaping you but they are not the cause of who you are now, you are responsible for you, right here and now. How much you fully accept that responsibility is your choice to make.
10. You are responsible for your reactions but that doesn’t mean that there won’t always be lots of things around to push your buttons and suck you in to thinking that it is something outside you that’s “causing” you to feel the way you do. 
11. Learning to breathe deeper and still your voice when the button is pushed is a skill that requires conscious will and effort but can pay off in bucket loads.
12. At times you may need to allow some personal time out so as to replenish the energy sapped from being in either of the 3 roles or trying to stop yourself from stepping into them.
13. Practice when you are less vulnerable first. At the tiniest inkling of a feeling try to increase your awareness of it and what need in you it relates to.
14. Do eventually practice with other humans but remember they may not know the game or that the rules have changed.
15. A good counsellor or coach can probably help but in the end, it is you that has to manage your vulnerability.
16. The practice of writing to and from the perspective of different roles can help raise awareness.
17. The roles are a bit like addictions so like any dependency they will probably need continual work.
18. It is unlikely there will be a day of ultimate transformation when none of this ever happens again. We are in fact humans not Gods.

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