Managing your shadow side.

 Managing your shadow side.

Much of what we believe, think or feel is automatic, habitual, often unidentified and undifferentiated. Feelings, beliefs and thoughts can be so automatic that we do not even notice their presence, where they come from or the impact they have on our mind and body. For years I have held tension in my neck and often get a headache from this in very stressful interpersonal situations. Carl Jung referred to this as the shadow self and we are often not conscious of our shadow’s presence. Yet it is always there, to a greater or lesser degree.

I believe part of the process of growing as human beings is to learn to identify, differentiate and manage this kind of baggage or the shadow self. To some degree we do this naturally. For example, we often become aware of differences in our beliefs and thoughts to those of our parents as we grow up. Unfortunately, however, this process can seize up and stop when we come to a conclusion that we have “grown up”.

Growing up, though, does not have an end point and the process of discovering our shadow continues, if we allow it. If we do not, sometimes the shadow takes over and sub-personalities may  dictate our demeanour and our responses, we become like a different person, sometimes unrecognisable to our self and others. We all have our own particular triggers but often at the first sign of conflict, stress, fear, anxiety, loss of control or loss of face we switch into a very different mode; less open, more closed, more egocentric and more charged for action. The inevitable result is usually the fight, flight, freeze response. In these situations, the level of reaction is rarely commensurate with the stimulus involved.

I don’t think there is any one way of dealing with this stuff but here are three exercises that I have found useful.

1.  Labelling and addressing the emotion. As you become aware of an aspect of your shadow side put a name on the emotion associated with it. Then have an inner dialogue with it, in your mind or on paper. Ask what the emotion is looking for, what need is the emotion trying to address (control, safety, certainty are often common). I suggest doing this in minor situations first. Often you are speaking with a historic part of yourself here and often a part that is pre-rational; that is a part that has not yet formed grown up logic and rationality. In some cases we may not like to see this and feel embarrassed by it, just like if some one videoed you when you were having a tantrum. However, it is worth persisting, being non-judgemental and trying to come terms with this part of yourself. As you raise your awareness of the emotion and the need underneath it you may start to see ways of managing that need and soothing or letting go of the emotion.

2.     Breathing awareness meditation. I first became aware of this in the book Peace is Every Step by Thich Nhat Hanh. As we notice a strong emotion we say these words, “breathing in I am aware of (anger, anxiety, fear etc) manifesting in me, breathing out I smile at my (anger etc.)”. I have found this very helpful in identifying the fact that I am not the emotion, the emotion is something that I am manifesting and responsible for but not yet managing. It can often be the first step in gaining control over an emotion and seeing what could be underneath it. 

3.     Responding from values instead of feelings. This is one may take a while because the first step is to clarify your values and get into the habit of keeping them front and centre in your mind. When you have done this then the next time you feel a surge of “negative” emotion or the presence of your shadow side ask yourself, “what value do I want to motivate me here, what is it that really matters most and can I act in accordance with that value?” What you’re essentially doing is asking a newer part of your brain to dictate your actions instead of the older part. We already do this in many situations but that is often based on society’s values not on our own personal ones.