10 ways to develop your communication and listening.

10 ways to develop your communication and listening.

1. Empathy: Practice for small amounts of time (10 minutes a day is a good start) working at understanding the needs, emotions and viewpoints of others. Be sure your intention is to genuinely understand the other and don’t do it with the intention of getting them to reciprocate or understand you better – this usually leads to resentment. Empathy is an act of giving not taking. Test your understanding by stating what you think they mean or reflecting their feeling state.
***
2.  Value differences: Practice valuing when others show difference of opinion. Observe or notice when you find this difficult or when you resist accepting others’ difference. Ask yourself what unconscious needs or drives might be blocking you from accepting the other person as they are.
***
3. Refine your communication: Pick a day to practice refinement when expressing opinions; qualify your generalizations. For example, instead of “it’s great” or “it’s awful” use “I like” or “I dislike”. Cut out making gross judgments and generalizations about people, “she is just……”, he is an awful………..”. These kinds of communication  significantly lower your credibility.
***
4. Speaking: When speaking, ask yourself if you can see from the perspective of the other person and whether you need to adapt accordingly. Ask yourself who is doing most of the talking and whether you are dominating and need to move over to listening a little more.
***
5. Align your communication with your intentions and expectations. If you have an expectation or an intention that you haven’t expressed clearly it is unfair to expect others to read your mind and particularly unfair to punish them for an “offense” they were not aware of committing. In the law ignorance is no defence but in relationships it often is.

***

6. Listening to understand: Try to gain an understanding of when and why it is hard for you to listen when interacting with others. Tune into what feelings or needs might be underneath the surface and see if you can transcend them in the moment or if you can discuss them with the person.
***
7. Building others: Work at seeing the potential in others. Give more praise (or even some praise). Take the time to understand what motivates others positively, what they like, what they are passionate about. Give of your time and attention where you might not normally. Try to push yourself to cultivate interest when you typically cut off or your mind wanders.

***
8. Reducing others:  Raise awareness of the times when you might reduce others by lowering their sense of self-worth, refusing to respond to their bids for your attention.
***
9. Positive Attention: Become aware of the incidental reactions you give to others. Try to increase the amount of positive attention you give and feelings you express particularly with people you love and care about but also with those with whom you need to build a positive relationship.
***
10. Feel the fear and seek feedback: Genuinely ask people for feedback, “how do you think I am doing in relation to………….?” Be willing to accept the feedback and don’t make any excuses or explanations when you receive it, instead ask for more specific insights so that you can understand how they are perceiving you.

 ©Peter Connolly 2020

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Image
 3 Lessons for Leaders   I was asked yesterday if I had three key lessons for leaders from my own experience. I'll be honest, I hate being asked this type of question. It means I have to place my bets on 3 and not 300 options. The truth is, it varies quite considerably depending on the context; the leader themselves and what strengths they have; and   if I am completely honest, where I am myself at any one moment.  That said I decided to try for 3 anyway. I went back in my memory (an increasingly unreliable task as I get older) to meetings, trainings, coaching conversations etc. and asked myself, “what have they most often said they need and what have I most often seen might be needed”? “Which behaviours, skills or mindset have I most often seen that need to be built or built on”? I came up with quite a few but then I narrowed it down. I am conscious that the focus here is from my perspective and one that leans heavily on the person and the relationship. So t...
Read more

How do you impact those around you?

Image
In every moment that you are with someone you can be having a positive, negative or neutral effect. We humans are wired to pick up on tiny facial expressions and body language. We have the power to change that effect and it starts with what is going on in our mind, being aware of what we might be subtly projecting when in relationship to others and consciously choosing to project something positive, like warmth or compassion. Even at the bare minimum if we can realize when we might be projecting the negative and contain it. Some of us can be mood hoovers or emotional vampires without even being aware of it. The chances are if you are in a bad mood and you are not managing it well you are being a mood hoover to those around you. It is possible to create a shift and become something more positive. I believe it starts with breathing, grounding yourself and genuinely listening to others. instead of downloading your stuff onto them. There is a form of feedback that we give to others al...
Read more